disappointed.

disappointment is something i really have learned to live with. disappointment in absolutely everything. in myself, in relationships, in general. i appear to be a happy person, but i am really a hurting person. i know a lot of people are, & i do not de-value their pain in any way. but i hurt.
i feel as if i have very strained relationships with people that are closest to me. i feel like i am never good enough & my decisions to be an individual with my own family causes problems. i feel like i am ill treated for standing up for my own convictions (& i haven't had my own convictions until recently).
in general, it's really hard to pay respect. when i feel disrespected, it is not something i want to offer. i would really like to work on giving respect, especially to my elders, even though i don't feel it is returned. i feel like every human deserves this & it is something i want more than anything, so why not give what i want most?
my husband & i have been talking daily how we would like to better ourselves. what we expect from one another, what we want, what we need, what is the best for tilly, of course. in talking to him, i realized i have never really respected him. i felt like i was entitled to disrespect him because of past hurts. when i realized this, i realized how much i have hurt him.
he then shared to me that i have never surrendered my relationship with him or my daughter to Jesus. & it is very true. instead of giving them to Jesus daily, i fight for how i control both of them. i really don't know how to surrender other than telling Jesus that they are his & remembering to pray every time i feel i need to, which is most always.
nate read me the story of abraham & isaac. i grew up hearing this & he actually read this passage to me when he broke up with me a long time ago. but it makes so much sense. 7 years later, anyway. tilly & nathan are not mine, they both belong to Jesus. & i have been entrusted to care for them, to love them, to serve them.
i have been doing a horrible, worldly job. & i really want to surrender them to jesus every single minute & i believe it will help me take care of them better.
i also surrendered my heart to Jesus 2 weeks ago. it's really hard, really really hard. i feel really emotional & guilty all the time. but, i also feel like i have new life, a new chance.
i really want to purpose to have a Jesus centered home. i think this is really hard for a lot of people to believe. myself included. not that i ever had a problem with Jesus, he was just on the back burner for about 2 yrs of my life. i am hoping to change that & make more people a lot more happy. please be patient with me.